Editor's Note: During a recent expedition in Downtown, our intrepid reporter found an unusual secret: A room full of tapes and books filled with the thoughts of our "friends." It appears that, despite their hostile tendencies, the aliens have a soft side that comes through in their poetry, short stories, and other literary pursuits. After a great deal of anguished pleas for solidarity, MacDoom Review was able to get a rather cooperative creature to interpret some of these important writings.
And then we ate him.
Section I: Dogs in Heat
Ode to a Lava Pit
I think that I shall never ponder
A lava pit like the one down yonder
It burns my paws and warms my feet
Think I'll go find something to eat
That Hurt!
The former human shot me, and said that I was bad
The spider went and zapped me, because I made him mad
The Hell Knight evaporated me, because I was not alert
I only have one thing to say...
Bite me.
Do You Like My Teeth?
Do you like my teeth?
I use them to eat beef
and fleshy humans too
they are good in stew
Perhaps some mancubi
cooked up in a pie
Do you like my teeth?
Drool! Drool! Drool!
Demons rule!
Section II: Bring out the Imp
Pull My Finger!
I can shoot fire from my fingers
I can shoot fire from my fingers
fire fire fire
fingers fingers fingers
What was the question?
Hell Hath No Fury Like Me In a Hurry
Well, it doesn't.
Except maybe the CyberDemon -- he's mean, too.
Okay, and a Baron of Hell kicked my butt last week.
Actually, Hell hath a lotta fury like me in a hurry.
I just thought it sounded kinda cool to say that.
Ode to a Venetian Urn
I went to Venus on vacation
And met a pretty girl
I had to torch her hair and wardrobe
because I made her hurl
I met someone even nicer
later on my trip
But had to light her fire
when she said I was a dip
I met a cute Venetian
for whom I still yearn
But all that's left is ashes
in a Venetian urn
Oops.
Section III: Fearsome warriors or flying meatballs?
Untitled Haiku (we think)
Hell Knight
Green, bad breath
attitude to match
The bane of my existence
Do Not Go Gentle Against That Hell Knight
Do not go gentle against that Hell Knight...
Rage, rage, against the dying of the light
Ole' green fingers may think he's big and bad
But I can send him home in a body bag
They all think they are His number one
But I can toast them just for fun
My breath is stronger than a CyberDemon miffed
I can torch 'em in one shot, if you get my drift
Do not go gentle against that Hell Knight...
Rage, rage against the dying of the light
Editor's note: The author was found next to his manuscript, which went on for eight more unreadable paragraphs. It was later determined that he had been lightly killed and lovingly coated in glucose.
Section IV: Baron, My Barren
Cacostew
I'd like to teach the world to frag!
In perfect harmony
We'd bag ourselves
some Caco-clods
and cook some hominy
They're worthless bags
of semi-hot air
And really are a drag
Another possible haiku...
CyberDemon
Brown, bad breath
Bad ass who rules
I hate your guts, you fascist, slave driving, egotistical, thinks he's-king-of-the-fraggin'-planet piece of space dust
PS -- Can I get a raise?
Section V: CyberKiller... Qu'est-ce que c'est?
I'll Blow You Away
I'll blow you away, and your little demon too!
What do you think your options are, to sue?
I don't think so
I don't think so
I don't think so
I'll Kick Your Ass
I'll kick your ass, because I can
and while I'm at it, I'll kick your can
This poem sucks, but I don't care
'Cause I can lift you by your hair
I can lift you by your toes
I can lift you by your nose
I can throw you across the pit!
I can impale you on a spit!
So try to run, try to pass!
But in the end, I'll kick your ass.
As you can see, there is a great deal of animosity between certain members of the Mars society. And these are just the ones that we can print. You'd be amazed at what can be rhymed with "Lost Souls..."
 
Jacqui Kramer is a deeply disturbed member of the MDR team. Please, give generously to the Bad Poetry Society. Either that, or there may be some more recipes and poems in MDR#5. Don't say we didn't warn you.